Leave your stepping stones behind something calls to you,
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you ...
Bob Dylan, 'It's All Over Now, Baby Blue', 1965
Coming to the realization that there was something fundamentally wrong with how I saw the world was a bit depressing at first, but I quickly found great value in it because it gave me a clear sense of purpose.
The New Goal
I now felt like a gardener who had been tending his garden and tripped over a root. When he went to pull out the root he found that it went deep and seemed to connect to a network of roots below the surface. Once he becomes aware of this he knows that he cannot plant the garden he wants until he clears the soil.
Using this analogy I realized that if I could pull out the first root with some careful thought and patient reflection, then why wouldn't I go back and get the rest of them? The more I thought about this the clearer it became to me that if I didn't do this work I would never be able to fully launch myself from the nest.
Leaving UNH (again)
Knowing that I had an unknown quantity of psychological work ahead I spent the early part of December finishing up my two classes, as well as allowing myself all the extra time to have fun. I knew change was coming. I knew that I needed to dive in fully and deeply. I could not have described exactly what I needed to do, but I knew that it was the single most important thing I could do at that moment and that I needed to take it seriously.
I had a sense of what I needed to do now I needed to figure out where to do it.